Sometimes you spend years working on yourself, developing yourself, taking steps toward your goals, trying new things, opening new doors, putting yourself out there – with career, with relationships, with creating a purpose for yourself — and yet you end up in a place where nothing is opening up the way you want or expected it to, the things you’re doing – though you may be good at them, seem empty, meaningless. You’ve made an effort to not let anger, frustration, depression and disappointment take over, finding new ways of looking at your situation, finding new ways to act and participate in order to keep creating something. Yet – you end up in a place where it seems that life itself is a force deliberately making things hard for you. You feel you are treading muddy water, trying to just keep your head above the surface. You look at others, living the life you want, experiencing the things you want, achieving the things you want to achieve, and this seems to magnify your weaknesses, your flaws, your inferiority in your ability to create a life you are satisfied with. You feel that it is all just a cruel joke. You’ve been thrown into a big game in which you are an outsider looking in, fumbling with the rules, an inferior player doomed to forever resent the game and the other players, and loathe yourself for your own failings and shortcomings preventing you from being like the rest.
That is how I feel now. That is how I experience my life now. Sometimes the only thing you can do is rant, vent, shake your fist at existence. And I find it’s best to do this in writing; channeling the emotional energy and dark clouds into words, into communication. At least this way I can see fully what I’m dealing with inside myself. And it tends to release the emotional charge enough that I restore a stability and standing within myself to be able to face myself, and face my life with more clarity. Sometimes there is nothing else to do but embrace the darkness, the turmoil, the anguish and despair and rage and come to terms with it fully – rather than try to fight it or push it down or distract yourself from it.
At least now I have cleared some space within myself to look at things fresh, reminding myself that – even though I’ve spent years going through this same cycle, there always IS a NEW way of looking at things. There always IS a new way of approaching things. And also that my life, my self, my path is unique to me. I don’t know what paths others have walked in living their lives. There’s no point in comparing. All I can do is keep walking my path and find ways to keep moving forward, keep creating something, keep looking for the point of expression to build on, to expand on. Looking for which skills to keep improving, keep developing. Looking for new ways of seeking support. This world and life wasn’t designed to be a la la land of success and happiness. This world is shit. What I’ve shown myself over and over again, is that the sanity, the stability, the satisfaction – at the end of the day, comes from supporting myself, working with myself, carrying myself, changing myself. That’s the most important point of success, because who I am, and how I support myself – is what will last, is what really matters. Even if I don’t ultimately create the external achievements and life that I want to – as long as I keep finding the way to give direction to my inner experience and keep creating and expressing rather than allowing emotions to consume me – at the end of my days I will be satisfied.